Motivations

This post deals with depression and suicide could be a little sensitive for some of you. So examine if you want to look within yourself to see if your willing to deal with those feelings before reading this.


Some thoughts have been ruminating in my mind in my head for a while and they had to do with subconscious and or conscious motivations some of my actions. And I am finally getting around to putting them down. I don't know how coherent they are or if its related to the topic. But that is how my stream of consciousness seems to go at times. MMM hashbrowns would be awesome right now.

Growing up I was always the fat kid. I have always had trouble with weight. I was fairly active, heck growing up on a farm you have a lot of work to do. I played in sports, and was ok I guess I was always one of the strongest and could kick the ball pretty far in soccer. But I really didn't have much of any competitive streak. I like beat video games but not necessarily sports games, I liked to see how the story would end. I used to love to perform, storytelling, musicals, plays in competitions, I usually did pretty well in those but not always. I did ok at academics, but was often told I was under achieving and could do more.

I wasn't a candy or sweets lover or we didn't have much of it around. We rarely got pop, it was a treat when we went to family get togethers. I guess I just liked food too much. I don't know why. It wasn't the smell, I don't really have a sense of smell. I love breads and pastas. But I also really like spicy foods and fruits and veggies and don't care for much fatty foods. I do overeat when stressed or tired. At times just guzzling the food not really tasting it.

I suppose I should ask myself and your probably asking how these things relate and get to a point dammit. Well I guess I was leading into how I allowed myself to be fat and generally not reaching my potential. You would think that with all the farm work and activities that it couldn't happen. My mom cooking home made nutritious meals, with sparse junk food around it couldn't happen. With me having no sense of smell it shouldn't happen. But one of my other issues was I was diagnosed and hospitalized with suicidal depression at 12 and again at 17. In a lot of respects I retreated into my own little world. I still do. And apparently the inhabitants of my little world like to overeat. I often wonder why that is. I could think its just my way of coping, but is that the whole truth. Could it be my overeating is my subconscious way of killing myself slowly. Maybe its a copi-killer. I don't seem to do other self destructive activities. I don't smoke, rarely drink. never did drugs. I do have a habit of being inactive. I used to and still do in times of weakness hope for some incurable disease that I could just let myself go. Preferably something where I could lose a lot of weight.

I guess the reason I am asking myself these questions why do do this and how do I stop it. I hate being allowing myself to be my own victim. If I am a victim there is no way for me to get out of my funk. Its out of my hands. I have to change my thinking. When I allow myself to say, well I got suicidal depression, and ingrown toenails and a bruised coccyx so I can't do anything. I stop myself before I even start. I am the one that needs to get better. I need to force myself to get out of the house and get exercising, eat proportionally, and stop the self destructive cycle.

I don't know if this is at all interesting to anyone who is reading it. But maybe its my own call to arms. My way of kicking myself in the ass to get going. Hopefully it works. Hopefully if you need it you will be able to also. This also took me like 2 weeks and its rubbish. Probably because its emotional and I didn't know if I wanted to post it. But I need to put something up, or it will never get up.

Just another wonder, but not one of Stevie's Wonders

Woody's wonders